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Track Nine: The Letter

"The amount of times I’ve drafted this letter astounds even me. I’ve written so many versions, some defending my position, some begging for understanding, some angry and hurt, and others trying to talk myself out of it… But I’ve decided that I will just tell you why I wrote this song, and the feelings behind it. What you think of it (and me) after, is up to you." -SL

Album: "For My Peace" | Track Nine: But Here We Are |

“I can't control how you see me. I won't demand that you see me.
I never wanted these boundaries, but here we are...a line in between"

This song was written with a heavy heart, after realizing that despite all my best efforts, I would never be “enough” for the woman who birthed me. We can never have the relationship I dreamed of, that I begged and prayed for. All because of one word. One scary, loaded word that I can’t confirm is the source, but that all signs point to past mere theory.

Narcissism is a personality disorder shrouded in stereotypes, misinformation, and feelings of helplessness from those who love someone with the condition. I use the word “condition”, because I have come to accept that narcissists aren’t self-aware enough to get help, though they could with effort. They don’t stop hurting those they claim to love, for that would require a level of empathy they cannot possess. As I’ve learned to accept, I have compassion for those afflicted on both sides. Healing is a process, and it’s a path I’m choosing. But that doesn’t erase the scars.

“I didn't need to be stronger, I needed my mother.
Tried to reconcile, but you're never the problem”

People liked to tell me that I was “so mature” for my age, that I was so wonderfully obedient and respectful, that I took care of others admirably, and put myself last. They were so mesmerized with how “strong” I was, and am.

That’s what happens when you’re not allowed to be a child infused with [genuine] love and acceptance. That’s what happens when you wear a “perfect girl” mask for every waking moment because the moment you show “weakness”, the consequences may cut you to the core. That’s what happens when someone tells you they love you publicly and tells their friends how “wonderful” and “creative” and “beautiful” you are, but later criticizes every aspect of your body and being. That’s what happens when any moment you try to show vulnerability, it’s used against you.

I didn’t need to be stronger, or mature. The little girl inside me needed to be loved by her mother.

It’s not all about childhood wounds though, I have forgiven those. The most devastating part for me isn’t the past, it’s when the abuse continues in the present while you have evidence of it and no way to convince yourself it's false.

“I'm not your rescuer, I'm not your victim.
So now I'm the problem, but I won't be a villain..."

I have worked hard to love and accept who I truly am, and improve every day.

I have set boundaries and tried every tactic I could think of to restore what never was.

I have begged for acknowledgment of my pain, to no avail.

I have mourned the relationship and what can never be.

I have tried to warn others and soon realized that was a mistake.

I have accepted the facts and read the books and done the therapy and am learning how to combat the lies with truth, and when to not engage at all.

I choose forgiveness and peace daily, praying for both her and her enabler.

I’ve slowly learned how to fight for and keep my peace, breaking the cycle best I can.

But it’s often a struggle within my mind, and may be until the day I die.

“...Healing and Free, Fighting for my Peace."

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