"...you used to be my happy place.. but now you're gone..."
Track Ten: Beyond Repair | selahluke.com
This song was written after a big argument with my husband and I, where I was "triggered" and remembered all the times before when I felt betrayed and abandoned. I sat in a room alone for a bit and cried and wrote down the feelings I had about it.. a few days later, the song came alive the rest of the way as I reflected on my past and wondered if I was the problem, and if I would ever be truly okay again, without the scars and triggers that caused so many issues in my marriage. As I reminisced, I was terrified that my marriage failed, I would truly never recover. Because after all, with how damaged I already felt, who else could ever love me? How could I look at myself again with any confidence?
“…Why did you have to leave me? What was it really? How did you think it'd be okay?"
I know I'm not the only one who's ever had their heart broken.
I know I'm not the only one who has faced major repercussions from betrayal and abandonment.
I know I'm not the only one who's ever been lied to, cheated on, abused...
I know I'm not the only one who has ever sat there in stunned silence and wondered how someone else could be so careless with my heart and emotions.
But in the moment... man, does it feel like it.
"Am I broken beyond repair? Can I get help somewhere? Obviously, nothing from you. You're the one who put me through hell”
After writing the song I realized that my focus was in the wrong place. I was so obsessed with the brokenness I felt, that I never once stopped to consider that maybe there was no way the past could have been changed.
Maybe I did all I could and that was something to be proud of.
Maybe, just maybe, the scars on my heart could fade.
Maybe, in the end, I could choose not be broken by the blindside, but learn from it and choose more carefully who I allow into my life.
Just like I know I'm not the only one to have suffered, I also know I'm not the only one who has come out the other side of heartbreak valley stronger and more aware. I'm not the only one who has found peace and learned what love really means, and how healing it can be to accept that sometimes you can do everything you can, and that the effort is enough. That doing the "right thing" to the best of your ability is something to be proud of, no matter the outcome. Like gold-sealed china, your past can forge something more incredible in the future.
You're not alone. You will get through it.
Your heart may be broken today, but no: we are not broken beyond repair.
"Can't be broken beyond repair"
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